The 25 worst movie brides and grooms
Join
us on our look back at the 25 movie brides and grooms to whom any sane
person would say “I don’t” before running far, far away…
Just
as the path towards Valentine’s Day is paved with anxiety, lingerie ads
and heart-shaped chocolates, its aftermath is a time for suppressing
niggling doubts about decisions made under the influence of Prosecco,
taking lingerie back to La Senza to exchange for fleece dressing gowns,
and in some extreme cases, planning a wedding.
An entirely unsubstantiated and suspiciously round statistic found online states that 10% of marriage proposals take place on Valentine’s Day. If you’re one of that 10% who obediently pledged your troth on Tuesday, however cold your feet may get in the coming months, be thankful for this, you are not saying “I do” to any of the following…
She’s horrid, posh, liable to burst into floods of tears at any
moment and once laboured under the belief that U2 was a type of
submarine. No matter how annoying you find Andie MacDowell’s character
in Four Weddings, you must agree that she’s a better bet than snobby Duckface.Or Henrietta, as it’s perhaps more polite to call her.
Anna Chancellor plays the worst of Charlie’s ghosts of girlfriends past in Richard Curtis’ seminal rom-com, and the one a broken-hearted Charles (Hugh Grant) eventually agrees to marry. To her credit, Duckface does manage to temper her public humiliation in being left at the altar thanks to the excellent right hook she dishes out to Charles after he answers “I do” when asked if he loves another woman. Good work all round.
There’s no other way to say this: the couple at the centre of 2001’s Serendipity
are dreadful people. The film is intended to spread a romantic message
about the universe’s plan to match each of us with our one true love,
but succeeds better as an examination of obsessive, maniacal egotism.
To refresh your memory, Serendipity tells the story of two people instantly drawn to one another, but instead of swapping contact details decide to test fate by writing them on a poncy novel and a $5 note which they then send out into the world and wait to receive back as proof of the universe agrees they are as simpatico as they suspect.
To pass the time waiting, each starts relationships and plans to marry two other perfectly nice people, all the while looking over their paramour’s shoulder in search of the one who got away, or rather, the one they deliberately flushed away to prove that they are beautiful unique snowflakes whose lives mean something.
How the audience is supposed to celebrate the couple’s eventual reunion when each has left an expectant bride/groom broken-hearted is difficult to grasp. At least the film has one thing right, this heartless, inconsiderate pair were made for each other.
Henry, the titular time traveller from Audrey Niffenegger’s debut novel is so unreliable a groom he makes the blokes out of The Hangover
look punctual. Whatever shortcomings you may have over your own
habitually tardy and unpredictable bride or groom you can bet they have
nothing on Henry.
Played by The Hulk himself, Eric Bana in the film adaptation, Henry is in the habit of appearing nude in the oddest of places, disappearing without a moment’s notice and chatting up little girls. Yes, yes, all that might be dreadfully romantic, sci-fi, and out of his control, but this kind of Quantum Leap behaviour is not a big help when it comes to wedding planning.
The film which reunited Pretty Woman’s Julia Roberts and
Richard Gere and sucked the chemistry out of the pair more efficiently
than one of those under-the-bed vacuum packing clothes storage devices
they advertise on the Home Shopping Network, Runaway Bride features a woman few would want to walk down the aisle.
A serial jilter, Maggie Carpenter leaves five men at the altar in the course of the film, not just hurting their feelings but wasting flowers, cakes and toasters galore. Yes, we understand that poor Maggie Carpenter is scared and vulnerable but hey, here’s a solution: how about not getting married? It’s not obligatory, you know.
Additionally (and I’m aware this is more of a personal niggle), I’m fairly confident that the poster for Runaway Bride was Lily Allen’s inspiration to start an annoying mid-noughties trend for wearing white trainers with a posh dress. As such, the film, and Maggie, deserve pain.
It’s difficult to know what a potential bride would be more
disappointed in: her future husband getting a face tattoo, having sex
with a Kathoey prostitute, hero-worshipping convicted rapist Mike Tyson,
or allowing himself to get embroiled in a wan, cheerless facsimile of a
frankly unpleasant experience that wasn’t that funny the first time
around. If it were me I’d probably have to go with the Tyson thing.
Whatever’s more worrying, it seems safe to say that Stu, or indeed any of the cast of The Hangover movies aren’t prime groom material.
She certainly is pretty, but necrophile goths aside perhaps, an
arranged marriage with a spectre from the beyond is few people’s dream
pairing. The Corpse Bride’s Victor spends much of the film
trying to escape his accidentally acquired supernatural ball and chain
to get back into the arms of his living, breathing love, Victoria.
It’s quite a romantic story, all told, but like a certain Michael Keaton character you’ll find later on in this list, maggoty Emily from The Corpse Bride is no-one’s first choice of marriage partner.
Now we’ve nothing against his bobble-head proportions, but almost
everything else about Lord Farquaad makes him an unenviable match. He’s
scheming, cowardly, self-involved and shallow enough to reject Fiona
once she’s shaped more like Heather from Eastenders than like Cameron Diaz.
And that’s just his personal qualities, as a leader Lord Farquaad is a mercurial tyrant megalomaniac responsible for turning Shrek’s swamp into a ghetto for fairy tale creatures, none of which is really an ingredient on any bride-to-be’s wish list.
If forced to choose between marrying Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway,
we’d go Hathaway every time, even if it did mean not being able to tell
people Snake Plissken was our father-in-law. In the world of Bride Wars
however, it’s just too close to call. Liv (Hudson) and Emma (Hathaway)
are both awful women who behave like despicable children throughout the
film, epitomising the horrible modern creation that is the bridezilla.
Sabotaging one another’s weddings out of spite, the former best friends’ infantile spat is as painful to watch as it would be to experience. The Elastoplast hugging and learning session at the end of the film is about as satisfying as one of size zero Hudson’s dinners, and in no way makes up for the behaviour exhibited therein. Avoid these brides at every cost.
Before he brought us The Hangover parts one and two, Todd Phillips was responsible for Old School, a frat movie starring middle-aged men reliving their college days. Cheers for that Todd.
Will Ferrell plays Frank “the Tank” in Old School, a hard-drinking, hard-partying dude with a habit of streaking when inebriated. Frank ties the knot early on in the picture, but as you might expect, doesn’t quite turn out to be the model groom.
The movies teach us that professional fighters, for a number of reasons, don’t make for the most stable of romantic partners. Raging Bull and The Wrestler
are such portraits of obsession, unreliability and violence that it
would take someone really special - like, say, one of those women who
writes pen-pal letters to serial killers - to walk out of any of those
films thinking “A professional fighter, yessiree that’s my Mr Right”.
While Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) may love Adrian (Talia Shire) with all his heart, we’d have to advise her against making the match. Surely she could have found a nice accountant to settle down with, one who doesn’t spend all his time bellowing, getting pressured into grudge matches, and running up and down stairs?
Preppy, violent, unfaithful, and uber-competitive, Bradley Cooper couldn’t have played a less attractive groom in Wedding Crashers.
Betrothed to environmental activist Claire (Rachel McAdams) only for
the power her father can bring him, Sack is what’s known as an
industrial sized douche bag. Thankfully, freeloading Owen Wilson is
there to save the day, lucky old Claire.
The character of Muriel Heslop (Toni Collette) represents everything
soul-meltingly depressing about the world of weddings. Obsessed with
dresses, colour schemes and a day that promises to be the best of her
lonely, unfulfilled life, Muriel’s desperation to have a wedding (even
if it’s one without the accompanying marriage) is a pretty damning
statement on the myths spun by the bridal industry.
Of course, since Muriel is our heroine, she learns her lesson and realises what’s important in life, running away from the catty crowd at Porpoise Spit to enjoy life with friend Rhonda. By the end of the film, you could actually do a lot worse than to tie the knot with her, but up until about two thirds of the way through, types like Muriel are best avoided.
We hate to spoil endings, but anyone who doesn’t know Edward
Rochester’s secret by now should have paid more attention during their
GCSE English lessons. The madwoman in the attic however, is just one of
many reasons Rochester’s a less-than ideal groom.
Bigamy aside, there are all sorts of reasons Rochester is unsuitable for Jane Eyre (even if very few women would actually say no to him as portrayed by Michael Fassbender…). He’s moody, he has that annoying French child hanging around, and by the end of the novel he doesn’t even have the massive Gothic pile on his ‘pro’ list. If we’d have been Jane on the moors hearing his voice on the wind, we think we’d have skedaddled off in the other direction.
Christopher Guest-style Brit mockumentary Confetti was fun enough, even if it didn’t quite reach Spinal Tap or Best in Show
levels of brilliance. Based around a competition which saw three
couples compete to have the best wedding for a generous prize, it
featured a ton of Brit TV comedy names such as Martin Freeman, Olivia
Colman, Jessica Stevenson, Stephen Mangan and Robert Webb.
Though her husband-to-be Josef is just as unattractive a prospect, tennis-obsessed, paranoid and ultra-competitive Isabelle (Meredith MacNeill) is quite the monstrous bride. Her plastic surgery bid to win the comp doesn’t quite go to plan either, leaving her with a little more nostril than God gave her. Not really a keeper, this one.
Colin Firth appears in a rare villainous role (well, villain-lite at any rate) in 1998’s Shakespeare in Love
as the Paris to Lady Viola’s (Gwyneth Paltrow) Juliet. Marrying Viola
for her dowry, Wessex is deliberately deaf to his fiancée’s
protestations and ferries her away from her family and true love over to
Virginia, to where - as proof of his villainy to a modern audience -
he’s off to farm tobacco (boo hiss!).
It’s unusual that we’d counsel against marrying Colin Firth, but Lord Wessex is a husband designed to be ditched.
Freelance bio-exorcist may just pip professional fighter to the post
of jobs we wouldn’t want our respective bride or groom to have. Michael
Keaton is a huge amount of fun as sordid, disgusting ghoul Beetlejuice
in Tim Burton’s 1988 feature invoked to spook a yuppie couple out of
their home.
It’s when Beetlejuice turns his attentions less to scaring the yuppies and more to making their teenage daughter (Winona Ryder) his bride so he can secure passage to the land of the living that he earns himself a place on this list. From his stained suits to his wacky demeanour and persistent smell, he’s neither a groom nor a son-in-law you'd wish on anyone.
The so-called Bride of Frankenstein (Elsa Lancaster) had a short
life, but one in which she wreaked terrible damage. Created as a mate
for Frankenstein’s monster in James Whale’s 1935 film, the unnamed
bride’s only act is to reject her groom and thus sign her own death
warrant as the creature destroys her and himself.
Short and not very sweet then, despite the awesome “do” and intense make-up, we’re putting this bride firmly on the “I don’t” list.
Aside from his bank account, The Wedding Singer’sGlenn
Guglia has no redeeming qualities whatsoever: he works in hedge funds,
drives a douche bag car, cheats unrepentantly on his sweet fiancée Julia
(Drew Barrymore), rates women as Grade A top choice meat and won’t even
give up the window seat on a plane to the woman he’s supposed to love.
All of which makes it fine for Adam Sandler’s Robbie to steal his
fiancée with a little help from who else but Billy Joel. It should have
been clear to Julia that Glenn wasn't the man for her, especially seeing
as her married name would be the laughably assonant Julia Guglia.
Yes, we’re well aware it’s Mr Big who jilts Carrie making her the
wronged party in all this, but we really can’t stand by any woman who
consents to being treated so poorly by her partner. There are real men
out there Carrie, ones without names that would be more appropriate in
Roger Hargreaves books, men without big smug faces who don’t think you
can un-break someone’s heart by buying them what is essentially a big
cupboard.
This is the movie bride so lacking in dignity she wore a bird on her head for her big day. We just can’t see someone coming back from that.
On the surface, it might seem as if Prince Humperdinck has it all:
L’Oréal-ad hair, a kingdom, his very own death machine operated by his
very own six-fingered psychopath… What more could a bride, princess or
otherwise, want?
Wuv, twoo wuv is the answer to that, which is precisely what Buttercup finds in her Westley, a man who comes back from half-death to rescue his princess and leave Humperdinck alone with his cowardice. See that stuff Westley’s made of? That’s husband material.
Kirsten Dunst is wonderful as mercurial depressive Justine in Lars Von Trier’s apocalypse art-film Melancholia, but there isn’t enough wealth or power on Earth to convince you to swap places with her groom Michael (Alexander Skarsgard).
The first half of Von Trier’s film takes place at the expensive wedding of Justine and Michael, one through which she cuts a disinterested swathe, disappearing variously to take a bath, commit adultery, and urinate on the lawn. In the film’s second half, which focuses on Justine’s sister Claire and the impending collision of a planet with our own, you get the sense that groom Michael had a lucky, if brief escape from Justine. Great performance, spellbinding film, dreadful bride.
Amidst all the trade negotiation and double-ended light sabre nonsense, a forbidden love story and a surprisingly tender Romeo and Juliet-style wedding scene is at the heart of Attack of the Clones. Young Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christiansen) is ten years older than in The Phantom Menace
and infatuated with the beautiful Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman) who
falls in love with him in turn despite the creepy age gap.
What next but a wedding held on Naboo with Padmé and Anakin as bride and groom. You shouldn’t really need to be told what ensues, but suffice to say that Mr and Mrs Skywalker don't get the happy ending they may have hoped for. Why couldn’t it just work out for those crazy kids?
Surprisingly, the fact that she’s voiced by the
nails-down-the-blackboard vocal talents of Jennifer Tilly isn’t the
least recommended thing about Tiffany from Child’s Play sequel Bride of Chucky,
that award would have to go to her ability to commit unrepentant mass
murder. To be fair, Chucky’s an equally infernal groom, and the duo both
deserve a place high up on this list.
We’re likely to get some heat from Twihards for putting Eddie Cullen
so high up our list of film characters you’d have to be out of your mind
to marry (and for calling him Eddie for that matter), but it’s a
position the ultra-possessive Edward well deserves.
Breaking Dawn - Part 1 sees Bella Swan go through with the wedding that’s had her, her on-off wolf crush Jacob, and her gloriously moustachioed dad in a fluster for the last few films. Despite being only eighteen, despite being pressured into the marriage by her 110 year old 'boyf', and despite it eventually leading to her giving up her mortal soul, Bella does the deed that isolates her from her family, her friends and the human race (leading to another deed which puts her in grave physical danger).
All the infatuation, piano sonatas and bullet-proof cars in the world aren’t enough compensation for the sacrifice Bella makes, so we're saying nay to this one.
At the very top of this list comes an iconic movie bride you wouldn’t
want to get hitched to for a number of reasons. First of all, the man
who tries to marry her ends up very much shot in the head by the gang of
assassins she sought to escape, second of all, she’s a killing machine
so even if you did survive the wedding, you might not survive the first
time you forget her birthday, and thirdly, she offs the one man she does
love with a five finger death punch. Yup, that all seems to cover it.
Stylish she may be, but a bride you'd want to pledge your troth to she
is not.
An entirely unsubstantiated and suspiciously round statistic found online states that 10% of marriage proposals take place on Valentine’s Day. If you’re one of that 10% who obediently pledged your troth on Tuesday, however cold your feet may get in the coming months, be thankful for this, you are not saying “I do” to any of the following…
25. Duckface - Four Weddings and a Funeral
Anna Chancellor plays the worst of Charlie’s ghosts of girlfriends past in Richard Curtis’ seminal rom-com, and the one a broken-hearted Charles (Hugh Grant) eventually agrees to marry. To her credit, Duckface does manage to temper her public humiliation in being left at the altar thanks to the excellent right hook she dishes out to Charles after he answers “I do” when asked if he loves another woman. Good work all round.
24. Jonathan Traeger & Sara Thomas - Serendipity
To refresh your memory, Serendipity tells the story of two people instantly drawn to one another, but instead of swapping contact details decide to test fate by writing them on a poncy novel and a $5 note which they then send out into the world and wait to receive back as proof of the universe agrees they are as simpatico as they suspect.
To pass the time waiting, each starts relationships and plans to marry two other perfectly nice people, all the while looking over their paramour’s shoulder in search of the one who got away, or rather, the one they deliberately flushed away to prove that they are beautiful unique snowflakes whose lives mean something.
How the audience is supposed to celebrate the couple’s eventual reunion when each has left an expectant bride/groom broken-hearted is difficult to grasp. At least the film has one thing right, this heartless, inconsiderate pair were made for each other.
23. Henry DeTamble - The Time Traveller's Wife
Played by The Hulk himself, Eric Bana in the film adaptation, Henry is in the habit of appearing nude in the oddest of places, disappearing without a moment’s notice and chatting up little girls. Yes, yes, all that might be dreadfully romantic, sci-fi, and out of his control, but this kind of Quantum Leap behaviour is not a big help when it comes to wedding planning.
22. Maggie Carpenter - Runaway Bride
A serial jilter, Maggie Carpenter leaves five men at the altar in the course of the film, not just hurting their feelings but wasting flowers, cakes and toasters galore. Yes, we understand that poor Maggie Carpenter is scared and vulnerable but hey, here’s a solution: how about not getting married? It’s not obligatory, you know.
Additionally (and I’m aware this is more of a personal niggle), I’m fairly confident that the poster for Runaway Bride was Lily Allen’s inspiration to start an annoying mid-noughties trend for wearing white trainers with a posh dress. As such, the film, and Maggie, deserve pain.
21. Stu - The Hangover Part II
Whatever’s more worrying, it seems safe to say that Stu, or indeed any of the cast of The Hangover movies aren’t prime groom material.
20. Emily - The Corpse Bride
It’s quite a romantic story, all told, but like a certain Michael Keaton character you’ll find later on in this list, maggoty Emily from The Corpse Bride is no-one’s first choice of marriage partner.
19. Lord Farquaad - Shrek
And that’s just his personal qualities, as a leader Lord Farquaad is a mercurial tyrant megalomaniac responsible for turning Shrek’s swamp into a ghetto for fairy tale creatures, none of which is really an ingredient on any bride-to-be’s wish list.
18. Liv & Emma - Bride Wars
Sabotaging one another’s weddings out of spite, the former best friends’ infantile spat is as painful to watch as it would be to experience. The Elastoplast hugging and learning session at the end of the film is about as satisfying as one of size zero Hudson’s dinners, and in no way makes up for the behaviour exhibited therein. Avoid these brides at every cost.
17. Frank Ricard - Old School
Will Ferrell plays Frank “the Tank” in Old School, a hard-drinking, hard-partying dude with a habit of streaking when inebriated. Frank ties the knot early on in the picture, but as you might expect, doesn’t quite turn out to be the model groom.
16. Rocky Balboa - Rocky II
While Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) may love Adrian (Talia Shire) with all his heart, we’d have to advise her against making the match. Surely she could have found a nice accountant to settle down with, one who doesn’t spend all his time bellowing, getting pressured into grudge matches, and running up and down stairs?
15. Sack Lodge - Wedding Crashers
14. Muriel Heslop - Muriel's Wedding
Of course, since Muriel is our heroine, she learns her lesson and realises what’s important in life, running away from the catty crowd at Porpoise Spit to enjoy life with friend Rhonda. By the end of the film, you could actually do a lot worse than to tie the knot with her, but up until about two thirds of the way through, types like Muriel are best avoided.
13. Edward Rochester - Jane Eyre
Bigamy aside, there are all sorts of reasons Rochester is unsuitable for Jane Eyre (even if very few women would actually say no to him as portrayed by Michael Fassbender…). He’s moody, he has that annoying French child hanging around, and by the end of the novel he doesn’t even have the massive Gothic pile on his ‘pro’ list. If we’d have been Jane on the moors hearing his voice on the wind, we think we’d have skedaddled off in the other direction.
12. Isabelle - Confetti
Though her husband-to-be Josef is just as unattractive a prospect, tennis-obsessed, paranoid and ultra-competitive Isabelle (Meredith MacNeill) is quite the monstrous bride. Her plastic surgery bid to win the comp doesn’t quite go to plan either, leaving her with a little more nostril than God gave her. Not really a keeper, this one.
11. Lord Wessex - Shakespeare in Love
It’s unusual that we’d counsel against marrying Colin Firth, but Lord Wessex is a husband designed to be ditched.
10. Beetlejuice - Beetlejuice
It’s when Beetlejuice turns his attentions less to scaring the yuppies and more to making their teenage daughter (Winona Ryder) his bride so he can secure passage to the land of the living that he earns himself a place on this list. From his stained suits to his wacky demeanour and persistent smell, he’s neither a groom nor a son-in-law you'd wish on anyone.
9. The Monster's Bride - Bride of Frankenstein
Short and not very sweet then, despite the awesome “do” and intense make-up, we’re putting this bride firmly on the “I don’t” list.
8. Glenn Guglia - The Wedding Singer
7. Carrie Bradshaw - Sex and the City
This is the movie bride so lacking in dignity she wore a bird on her head for her big day. We just can’t see someone coming back from that.
6. Prince Humperdinck - The Princess Bride
Wuv, twoo wuv is the answer to that, which is precisely what Buttercup finds in her Westley, a man who comes back from half-death to rescue his princess and leave Humperdinck alone with his cowardice. See that stuff Westley’s made of? That’s husband material.
5. Justine - Melancholia
The first half of Von Trier’s film takes place at the expensive wedding of Justine and Michael, one through which she cuts a disinterested swathe, disappearing variously to take a bath, commit adultery, and urinate on the lawn. In the film’s second half, which focuses on Justine’s sister Claire and the impending collision of a planet with our own, you get the sense that groom Michael had a lucky, if brief escape from Justine. Great performance, spellbinding film, dreadful bride.
4. Anakin Skywalker - Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
What next but a wedding held on Naboo with Padmé and Anakin as bride and groom. You shouldn’t really need to be told what ensues, but suffice to say that Mr and Mrs Skywalker don't get the happy ending they may have hoped for. Why couldn’t it just work out for those crazy kids?
3. Tiffany - Bride of Chucky
2. Edward Cullen - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
Breaking Dawn - Part 1 sees Bella Swan go through with the wedding that’s had her, her on-off wolf crush Jacob, and her gloriously moustachioed dad in a fluster for the last few films. Despite being only eighteen, despite being pressured into the marriage by her 110 year old 'boyf', and despite it eventually leading to her giving up her mortal soul, Bella does the deed that isolates her from her family, her friends and the human race (leading to another deed which puts her in grave physical danger).
All the infatuation, piano sonatas and bullet-proof cars in the world aren’t enough compensation for the sacrifice Bella makes, so we're saying nay to this one.
1. The Bride - Kill Bill
Comments
Post a Comment